i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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