i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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