Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
