I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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