Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
