like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
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