You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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