yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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