So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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