Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
