it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
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