I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
