just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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