so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
