My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize