worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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