they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
