3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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