I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
