My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
