Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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