you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
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He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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