I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
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is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
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Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
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