Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
