I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
