My room smells like vodka and shame
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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