i just wanna soil my oats bro
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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