So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
