My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
