she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
