Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Randomize
