she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
