She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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