her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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