Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
