Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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