From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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