So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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