I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
