I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
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