I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
