I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
