Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
