I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
