Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Too much gin, very little bucket
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
