Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
