i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
