My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
