My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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