MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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