party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
