Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
