if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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