Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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