she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
