I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
You're like the curious george of whores
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
