loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
