Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
