So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
