"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I got inside last night via doggy door
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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