It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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