Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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