i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
