apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
the day after is always just damage control
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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