I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
me + whiskey = a bad person
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
