we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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