You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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